It’s been a year since I broke up. It was over in a couple of months. She meant the world to me. We had different values at the end of the day but I cared about her a lot. I still think about her a lot. She’s moved on and I haven’t. I’ve been on dates but it isn’t the same without her. I felt on top of the world with her by my side. My life used to be foggy but with her that haze had disappeared. I really did love her and cared about her a lot. I believe I always had her best interests at heart. It’s ok if she didn’t understand. What I would’ve done to change myself for her. To ensure she is happy!
I guess it was our upbringing which differed the most. We both came from middle-class families. However, I was brought up with not much. Cinema was a luxury for us. Don’t get me wrong I have a fabulous job for my age that pays double the average salary of a recent graduate. However, if I go out shopping I look at the total and think to myself that’s my days wage gone. I’ve learnt that earning money is difficult and that your current possessions should be valued. Our generation is the Instagrammable, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest type. I feel we buy things and discard them after a few uses.
Theses are the websites that play with our insecurities. We have our guard up all day with our masks when we go to work. We come back home to sit on these sites which torment us. Yet we go back to these sites day after day. Why? You’ll never be ahead of fashion but a mere follower. You’ll get your body into shape but is it actually for you or for someone else? You’ll make food only for it to be instagrammed, but food is food at the end of the day. No wonder, why anxiety will become the biggest disease by 2020. We all care about what other people are doing.
My ex I felt was the complete opposite in that sense. She seemed to have new things every week. I would associate a value to each item (oh no that must cost £/$/EUR 200). I’ve been on dates where I’ve been in a taxi with a girl and she hasn’t made a decision as to where we are going and I can see the fare increase every minute with my heart pacing. My parents have always pushed me to succeed and be the best I can be academically. It’s helped a lot to get me into a fierce industry. I guess having lived so frugally for all my life, I don’t want to let go of the capital/wealth I’ve built.
I learnt a lot during that brief relationship. She had big dreams and I felt like I was expected to deliver with her. I learnt that dreams are great, but sometimes we may get ahead of ourselves. Her dreams were so big that I used to stay up at night sometimes thinking about I’m going to plan this financially. A lot of the time I’m expected to do things (my parents pushing me) and I’m done with people expecting so much out of me. I haven’t truly lived. I’ve noticed this a lot. A lot of my friends from university tell of stories which I was never part of because I was hungry for wealth. I still am.
Sometimes, I look back and feel where has the time gone. Some people have said you haven’t wasted any time but I feel like I have. I’ve continued to deliver for other people except myself. I’ve never put my interests above anyone else. If I do, there’s usually backlash and people thinking I’m controlling them or what not.
My friend works down the road and we both work long hours. We see people wear fancy things costing a lot of money. I’ve been to these shops and the quality of the items are really poor. Makes me wonder sometimes. Why do people buy such items.
I couldn’t help it, but there are so many ideas on this post which I want to explore more deeply. I suffer from anxiety and sometimes it gets really bad that my chest clenches up.
That’s all for today! 🙂